18 weeks 4 day in the Land of "if"

Losing my son 2 1/2 years ago has distorted and altered my feelings of pregnancy being a blissful "when" sort of state. "When the baby comes (insert positive here)" I live in the Land of "if ". I am afraid to say "when". I am over the moon happy to be pregnant, and want this baby to be in my arms safe, healthy, and happy, but my past has jaded me. I feel movement, but not on a consistent basis, and it scares me. I see this baby on he ultrasound moving and kicking and hear a heartbeat but I am still afraid. I wish sometimes pregnancy came with a little belly window so you could take a peek for reassurance.