Friday, June 18, 2010

Anatomy Scan

I have had my 20 week anatomy scan, and "she" is doing fine. Definately team pink. It's great news but that old cautious side of me still holds on. I hold my breathe every time they begin the ultrasound or use a doppler until I see or hear a heartbeat. I know it's going to be a long 20 more weeks. I want to feel free to plan, and look and purchase baby things, but I am still scared to. The only thing that I have managed to do is look at names. I have actually found the names that I like. I just won't feel safe until she is in my arms alive and healthy.

Sunday, June 6, 2010

18 weeks 4 day in the Land of "if"

Losing my son 2 1/2 years ago has distorted and altered my feelings of pregnancy being a blissful "when" sort of state. "When the baby comes (insert positive here)" I live in the Land of "if ". I am afraid to say "when". I am over the moon happy to be pregnant, and want this baby to be in my arms safe, healthy, and happy, but my past has jaded me. I feel movement, but not on a consistent basis, and it scares me. I see this baby on he ultrasound moving and kicking and hear a heartbeat but I am still afraid. I wish sometimes pregnancy came with a little belly window so you could take a peek for reassurance.