Monday, November 1, 2010
Friday, June 18, 2010
I have had my 20 week anatomy scan, and "she" is doing fine. Definately team pink. It's great news but that old cautious side of me still holds on. I hold my breathe every time they begin the ultrasound or use a doppler until I see or hear a heartbeat. I know it's going to be a long 20 more weeks. I want to feel free to plan, and look and purchase baby things, but I am still scared to. The only thing that I have managed to do is look at names. I have actually found the names that I like. I just won't feel safe until she is in my arms alive and healthy.
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Losing my son 2 1/2 years ago has distorted and altered my feelings of pregnancy being a blissful "when" sort of state. "When the baby comes (insert positive here)" I live in the Land of "if ". I am afraid to say "when". I am over the moon happy to be pregnant, and want this baby to be in my arms safe, healthy, and happy, but my past has jaded me. I feel movement, but not on a consistent basis, and it scares me. I see this baby on he ultrasound moving and kicking and hear a heartbeat but I am still afraid. I wish sometimes pregnancy came with a little belly window so you could take a peek for reassurance.
Monday, May 17, 2010
Oh this is so hard. I am about at the stage where Devyn died and I am just about panic striken all the time. I keep thinking that this baby might not make it. I wish I could have some confirmation between visits to know everything is OK. It's just scary. I feel resentful of women who can blissfully, ignorantly declare at about five or six weeks to the world, and anyone who will listen that they are pregnant, and just know everything will be hunky dorie. I look forward to feeling sick to my stomach and sore breasts, as at this stage that's all I have that indicates things MIGHT be OK. I think I have started to feel movement but I am not sure I can trust it. I mean after we found out Devyn had died, and before he was delivered I felt fantom movements, and I swore they had made a mistake, and he was still alive. A serious mind f %&@. I bought some maternity pants and some shirts and I cannot bring myself to wear them. After i bought them I had serious panic attacks. But I'll have to do something soon because my clothes are getting too tight , and I have been recycling the same two pair of pants for work, and it really is looking sad. And to top it off, I still have not told my family. Sad case aren't I. I wish I could just relax.
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
I am a worried wreck most of the time. I had an Peri visit yesterday and she said so far everything looks OK. The placenta is over the cervix though, and she says that she is going to keep a close watch, and not for me to worry yet as it is early and sometimes it moves up.
I still have not told my family I am pregnant. It gets stuck in my throat when I try to get it out. My family was less than supportive when I was pregnant with Devyn, and after he died they mostly chose to ignore the fact that he even existed. It still hurts. I have found that unless you have lost a baby you have no reference to draw from, and people do not understand the over cautiousness. I am so grateful for this baby, this chance. I love this baby, and my heart jumps for joy knowing I am pregnant with him or her, and i am overjoyed and relieved when i feel the little popcorn like flutters I get. But at the same time I am just scared. Baby lost mamas will understand, others will not. My friend who knows i am pregnant asked me when I thought I would tell everyone. I told her November 3rd, my due date. Better still when I bring a healthy, living, breathing, baby home.
Saturday, May 1, 2010
We are expecting again. With cautious optimism. I am 13 weeks 2 days as I write this. I cannot lie and say that I am not afraid. I am. Terrified at times, but at the same time I am very happy, and feel that we have been given once again a precious gift. My heart still aches for my Devyn, and all I will never be able to experience with him. And I do not want people to forget him, and think the I am all OK and everything is fixed now. It's not. But I do not want my fears to overshadow my love for this new baby, either. I know this pregnancy is not going to be a "cake walk" for me.