It's so hard

Oh this is so hard. I am about at the stage where Devyn died and I am just about panic striken all the time. I keep thinking that this baby might not make it. I wish I could have some confirmation between visits to know everything is OK. It's just scary. I feel resentful of women who can blissfully, ignorantly declare at about five or six weeks to the world, and anyone who will listen that they are pregnant, and just know everything will be hunky dorie. I look forward to feeling sick to my stomach and sore breasts, as at this stage that's all I have that indicates things MIGHT be OK. I think I have started to feel movement but I am not sure I can trust it. I mean after we found out Devyn had died, and before he was delivered I felt fantom movements, and I swore they had made a mistake, and he was still alive. A serious mind f %&@. I bought some maternity pants and some shirts and I cannot bring myself to wear them. After i bought them I had serious panic attacks. But I'll have to do something soon because my clothes are getting too tight , and I have been recycling the same two pair of pants for work, and it really is looking sad. And to top it off, I still have not told my family. Sad case aren't I. I wish I could just relax.